Abstract Emotions

It is not enough to tell someone you love them on a regular basis if there is no passion and fire behind the statement.  We often say the words, “I love you” without really feeling the meaning of them.  Yeah, we know what the words mean, ”You matter to me… I care about what happens to you.” But people have different types of personalities: there are the expressive types and the not-so-expressive types.

My father belonged to the latter type.  He was never showy - not in words or in actions.  I have never heard him say those words to me nor do I remember him embracing me or holding me close.  I know most people are scared of him, some are probably terrified to be near him.  I mean, who wouldn't?  My father always wore a scowl on his face and he had such a big, booming voice. 

I admit, he was not the perfect father like Dr. Heathcliff Huxable of the The Cosby Show.  Very few people really knew the real him.  Because  behind the scowl and the big voice is a sensitive, caring man.  And he had his own peculiar ways of showing that he cared. 

I remembered the time when I was little, my foot got entangled with the root of a pine tree, my father took care of the scrape on my knee.  Or the times when me and my brothers would sit at his feet, listening to his scary ghost stories. Or the times that he would help me with my algebra assignments.  Or the times that he would stay up late whenever my husband (who was my suitor then) would come calling.  

I love my papa like any daughter should. But I guess, I am very much his daughter because like him, I do not show my feelings too. There were plenty of times that I wanted to say how much I love him but I couldn't bring myself to say it - not even on his birthday cards.

When he suddently fell ill in September 2010, my world slowly came crushing down on me. I wanted to tell him then that I love him so much, that he is very dear to me. But I still couldn't utter the words. Even when his brain was operated on twice and he was laying in the ICU, unable to see and speak, I wanted so much to hold him in my arms and whisper in his ears, "I love you very much 'pa. Please be well because we still need you."

And when he finally went home to be with the Lord on January 5, 2011 never hearing me say "I love you", it hurt me to the very core of my being. I regretted big time not telling him those words, but it's too late now.He's forever gone and will never come back. His passing taught me some valuable lessons: To never hesitate saying "I love you" if you feel like saying it; to never wait until your love one is already on his deathbed before you can say those words; and that life is short and anything can happen any time.

Today is his first death anniversary and this blog is dedicated to him.

"Pa, thank you for everything - for your thoughtful ways of showing you care, for making sure that I get the good if not the best education that you can afford. I'm sorry that I never got to tell you how much I love you. I only realized how much your presence meant after you were gone. Your memory will be forever etched in my heart. I LOVE YOU...GOODBYE. Until we meet again."